Tag Archives: charting

Edison didn’t get it right on the first try #infertilityproblems

7 Dec

Dealing with secondary infertility is hard. On one hand, you’ve had a kid, so you don’t fit in with people who have primary infertility. And then, you don’t fit in with those of an abundance of fecundity. My least favorite reaction, that I’ve gotten from many people, is: “At least you have one”… is that supposed to make me feel better? Or stop me from feeling my feelings? Do you think I’ve forgotten how lucky I am to have my son?

But really it’s my own internal thoughts that drive me nuts. I keep wondering… If God is in charge… does he not want me to have another one? If that’s true, is it because of Walter or because of me? Is Walter so special that I need to do even more for him? Or am I not a good enough mother to deserve another one?

Then on my good days I think… maybe the kids I produce are just so very awesome that it takes a long time to get it right. My one stellar kid equals like four regular kids.

Or, maybe not everyone is supposed to get pregnant whenever they want. Maybe it’s normal to space out kids every five years or so.

Maybe I’m supposed to adopt? I feel it calling to me.

But all I really want, at this point, is to stop thinking about it. I want to stop being reminded every day by either myself or external factors that there is even an issue. I need to live in the moment.

Comme ci, comme ├ža

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Right now we’re at a bit of an impasse. My regular midwife says “Oh plan a big trip you can’t get out of, and then you’ll get pregnant.” The fertility specialist I’ve seen once says it’s either endometriosis or unexplained infertility, both of which require IUI or IVF. Neither of which I’m planning on doing.

I’ve had a saline sonogram (which was terrible) and an HSG (which was not). Lots of bloodwork and ultrasounds. Charting: BBT, CM, cervical position. You get really good at understanding the acronyms on TTC conceive boards.

You read about people who have been trying for eight years with no success, and you feel incredibly lucky. You read about people who are frustrated after four months, and you want to say: chin up, you don’t have it so bad.

We’re looking in to supplements and diet changes, as I’ve been reading a lot about┬ánaturopathy and fertility. I basically do it all wrong as it stands, which I suppose for my body really matters (even though I think I was much more unhealthy before I got knocked up with Walt). We’re also seriously thinking about adoption. Hopefully in the next year or two we’ll add a bundle of joy to the Johnston clan, no matter what biology throws at us. And if Dave is lucky, it won’t be several new kittens.

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Not Everyone is a Fertile Myrtle

17 Jun

Sometimes we’re just Moaning Myrtles.

I fluctuate moment by moment on whether it is a blessing or curse that there is no baby #2 yet. Walter himself, who screams and cries all the time when I hold every friend’s new baby, said to me recently, completely unprompted, “I want a little brother or sister.” And what am I supposed to say to that?

This month I swore we would stop “trying.” But since I’ve started charting, I can see things on paper that are happening inside my body. I thought for sure this was the month. I was calm. I was silently excited. And then, broken inside, yet again. What can I do but wait, month after month, trying every piece of advice, trying not to care, trying too hard, not trying enough… It is overwhelming in its solitude. I don’t want to talk too much about it, but I don’t want to be silent either. I want to enjoy life and enjoy what I do have.

I have changed, though. I am sensitive to other mothers-to-be, and that’s not like me, or how I really feel. I like to be especially supportive of pregnant women and new mothers, as that is my passion. But when I hear a friend complain about something related to pregnancy, it makes me want to scream. Seeing a pregnant belly either makes me envious or want to cry. But this isn’t about other people. It is not a comparison. Other people aren’t more lucky than I am, and I am not more lucky than other people. That’s not the point.

Whatever is, is meant to be. It will lead me to where I am meant to be in the future too. Maybe I still will get my four babies (oh please not all at once!). If anything, it has made me appreciate even more the crazy miracle that is procreation. I have loved Walter since the moment I knew he was coming — since the moment I knew I was ready for him to come! — and yet this has still made me love him more. I don’t want to spend my life wanting something else. I want him to know that he is more than enough for me, whether he ever has any siblings or not, though I know he will make an excellent older brother. Once he gets over letting me hold another child of course!

Walter class photos Spring 2015 - Individual
I am so beyond thankful for this one it is unbelievable.

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My handsome boy with his handsome haircut.

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But I like the hippie hair too! Too hot for these Atlanta summers!

I watched Labor Day while on vacation, and Kate Winslet brought to life the struggle so many women have with fertility — though I don’t want to fall apart so completely like she did. It seems everything I read or watch lately reminds me that it’s not easy for everyone to have lots of babies. I almost think it would be better to never get pregnant again than have miscarriage after miscarriage or a stillbirth. But women live through that. We live through a lot. Those who have large families get judged for having lots of babies. Women with one child (or none) get nagged to have more. Though part of me does want to ask if they wanted more and couldn’t have them. I love hearing everyone’s stories. There are billions of them out there.

And mine is just one more to add to the collection.