Tag Archives: life crises

Why I don’t ever have to make lemonade because it’s usually sitting right around the corner.

17 Jan

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I love this photo for many reasons, most of all for the awesome photo bomb by dude in the chair. This photograph was taken by a random but cool Facebook friend of mine who just appeared in this particular restaurant in real life (I’ve only seen him one other time in the five or six years I’ve known him). Also, this is a great group of guys. My husband has known them for forever (since preschool and beyond), and I really appreciate how fun they are to hang out with. A couple extra friends came to brunch and they turned out to be psychologists and graphic designers and UX-ers, and it was very inspiring to talk to them about what I already love to do and would like to pursue career-wise.

Last weekend was really incredible. Following a recent blog post of mine about some of the serious things in life, a lot of people in my life came out of the woodwork to talk to me. And speaking of woodwork, my husband and our friend Lloyd built a beautiful privacy screen on our back porch this past weekend. They finished literally as the rain started, so I haven’t had a chance to stain it yet! I’m glad the sun was out yesterday to dry the wood. It looks extremely magnificent even unfinished though!

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Lloyd and his wife, my dear friend Leslie, also invited us to Morningside’s Couples Group dinner on Friday night where Dave and I were the youngest people by 25 years (except Leslie who is my oldest brother’s age), yet we really enjoyed chatting with everyone there. And they like to play a simple game every January where everyone writes a resolution for his or her spouse, and then everyone else at the party has to guess who it is about. It was silly and fun. I was talking with a wizened photo editor in the kitchen and could hear all the laughter in the background. He was telling me what I should do better re: the Christmas card I designed for our church. The whole night seemed to be about life, purpose, career, and calling, yet in a very fun delivery. Even the prayer about our current world unrest before our delicious pot luck dinner was beautiful.

Fast forward to Sunday brunch with our friends at Stone Soup Kitchen next to Oakland Cemetary, and I feel like the world is showing me my new path. There are constant signs in this world if you simply want to notice them. I personally like to pick out the good signs, the signs that bring me to calm and peace and happiness and art and adventure too. Otherwise the downward spiral is not fun. I’ve seen behind that curtain and try to avoid it as best I can.

Stone Soup Kitchen is by far the best breakfast place I’ve ever eaten at. Every dish looked amazing and I wanted my stomach to be big enough to eat the menu. After our table got all their beautiful looking meals, I got my plate and it looked like it was going to be disappointing. But I was rewarded for my choice by then devouring the best plate of eggs I’ve ever had in my life. Our table was in the hidden back porch and the ambiance was the coolest I’ve enjoyed at an in-town restaurant yet. I want to go back there every weekend until we move to the burbs.

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A heavy heart burdens the mind

11 Apr

It’s not always fun in the sun, projects that need to get done, and friends to hang out with. Sometimes you get a sunburn, you spill the paint everywhere, or your heart gets broken. Or as my mother says, your ego takes over, and your ego isn’t interested in happiness. It’s out there to get you.

Lately I’ve been a bit down. I don’t like when this happens, because it is very true that negativity drains you. It gives you nothing in return except obsessive thoughts, a downhill spiral into a land I am not interested in visiting anymore. When I was younger I spent a good chunk of my life sharing my body and mind with crippling depression. I say this because it affected every aspect of my life for almost a decade. From 1999 – 2008 I don’t think I was fully myself.

Despite that significant portion being a bit of a mess, I have had a great life. I have experienced a lot, I have accomplished many things, and I have loved greatly. But sometimes I can understand people who suffer mid-life crises, because when you look back and see things you’d like to change, and yet you know that you absolutely cannot do that, the damage is done, that part of your life has already been lived… well, it’s a scary feeling. To know that you are only headed in one direction, for better or worse.

And that’s what has gotten me down: forgetting about the numerous good things and focusing on what I don’t have. There are many people that I used to be very close to that I am not friends with anymore. So many, in fact, that a friend once said, “Well, if they’re all doing the same thing to you, maybe you’re the problem, not all of them.” Which made me mad, because who wants to know that they are the source of their problems?

When I went off to college, my only mission was to find myself. I needed to be in a place where my first thoughts weren’t about depression. It took a long time, a lot of searching, and a lot of pain to extricate myself. And during that time, my high school friends moved on. They were able to get it together quicker than I was. I didn’t get fantastic grades my first time in college, I missed the boat on getting into a lucrative career (at least for now), and I gained and lost a lot of friends. In retrospect there are many, many things I could have done differently. And when I tried to make up for my past transgressions, I was not treated with reciprocal respect.

Yes, the piercing sword hurts. But what would hurt worse is if I continue to dwell on these things I cannot change, these friends I will not have again. I have many other friends, and I shouldn’t put them aside to chase after the past. High school, no less. Haven’t I grown up since then? It’s very similar to my romantic relationships. If I had treated David the same way I treated my other boyfriends, we would not be happily married with a marvelous child to lavish our attention over. I choose to make every day the best day I can for our family. I can’t forget to do that for the rest of my world too and know that the laughter and imagination isn’t over yet.

Life isn’t really about what you have and don’t have. It’s about the images you create of the things you think you want.