Tag Archives: thoughts

Have I Changed?

4 Dec

My mom asked me a couple visits ago if I thought our move to Asheville had changed me.

It was hard for me to answer because I think I’m always changing all the time. I am nowhere near the person I was 10 years ago or probably even 10 minutes ago. Even though many times I feel like the same person I was at age six. These thoughts are both comforting to me and a source of anxiety at times.

But maybe what she was really asking was, “What do I feel Asheville has changed in me so far?” This is a question which I had no good answer to give her when she asked, but I’ve been thinking about it every day since then.

I think the best way to put it is, retreating to the mountains has made me retreat from the rest of the world as well. It’s amazing to me that after almost 33 years in one city, four months in another one makes me see Atlanta in a whole new light. While it is a pretty Southern town, it is also a busy, bustling city and part of the rat race. I think a country girl has always been inside me waiting to be let out. I am drawn to the Laura Ingalls Wilder/American Girl Doll (when they were about history)/Janette Oke types of stories, and now I’m trying to live a little bit more like that. I dream of heading more towards the ideas the Amish have, where mechanical technology is preferable to electrical. A deep rooting into the earth, a connectedness.

While my fondest memories of my childhood were running wild throughout our neighborhood with my friends, I didn’t have the stars. The city is so absorbing that even in the suburbs it is hard to see what’s going on in the universe. Here, I look up at the sky all the time and am falling in love with everything astronomy has to offer. Star myths of the past and space explorations of the future…

I’ve definitely been unhappy at times during this transition. I desperately miss my people in Atlanta. We had developed a really solid home base in Marietta the year that we were there in terms of homeschool and the YMCA and of course the friendships that we garnered throughout our years in ATL. Some of the things I’ve tried to replicate here so far have only disappointed me. But I’m not giving up. I gave myself a year to feel at home and I’m not even halfway there.

I worry about the boys not growing up in a neighborhood, especially since we homeschool, and if I can provide all that they need to have satisfying childhoods. But growing up in the country has its perks too, and I’m so excited for all the plans I have for our land. We planted some rose bushes yesterday, and it filled me with happiness to see our family work together to add beauty to the incredible nature that surrounds us here.

One step at a time!

IMG_20171203_181728_824A cute little bear we found in our front yard.

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Pregnancy leaves no woman untested

2 Jan

Though maybe it does? I’m sure some women breeze through pregnancy as they do life. But I’m not talking about those women. It doesn’t matter how much you’ve wanted a baby, pregnancy is no joke. I don’t like the complainers though, because they’re missing the point of their incredible miracle.

I currently have an almost fully cooked babe in me, and I still don’t really understand or grasp what is happening. I remember looking at Walter as a newborn and just being amazed that he came out of me. It is truly unbelievable. I am growing another life. I will give birth to a human who with all luck and good fortune will grow into an adult who will have all sorts of experiences life will grant to him.

As I near the end of this pregnancy, a much wanted pregnancy, there are so many thoughts floating through my mind. First and foremost is, when will he get here? I thought maybe he’d come at the end of December, but my dad was right and he’ll be a January baby. Of course then I think, how will his birth go? What will Walt, Dave, and I be doing when he decides to join us on the outside? Will it be fast and relatively painless or a big struggle? These are huge unknowns.

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I’ve endured months and months of nausea, pain, self-discipline, and wonderment to get to this point (and yet I’d characterize this pregnancy as pretty easy-going. I’ve felt very lucky to feel as good as I’ve felt most of the time and all my testing went well). And yet, standing on the edge of bringing in a new life to our family and the world makes me wonder: how will it go to have another? Will he fit right in? Who will he be? Will he be as awesome as Walter? Did I do enough right for him? Mentally this has been a very different pregnancy than my first; did he absorb all of that? In a good or bad way?

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I just have to trust in him. And enjoy these last few days of us being together, as close together as two people could possibly be. From the moment he comes out, he’ll be experiencing the world without me, no matter how long I hold him tight.

5 ways…

23 Jan

…that being a mother is difficult:

1. The times when I notice how truly selfish I still am

2. Feeling like I have a harder time at this than other moms

3. Wanting to stay up late and almost never getting to sleep in

4. Going in to “brain stem mode” and getting upset with my kid cause he can’t always read my mind

5. The occasional thought that it would be great to purchase a one-way ticket to Europe

…that being a mother is the most awesome, wonderful thing that could have ever happened to me:

1. Being called “mama”

2. When he cries, he’s crying for me

3. When he runs around all happy and independent, I have never been prouder

4. When he falls asleep nursing… or cuddling (now that he’s weaned)

5. Knowing that Walter is the only person alive on this earth who knows (besides me) what it is like to live inside of me

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My angel boy!

I wouldn’t trade any moment of this journey for anything.

This Used to be a Forest

22 Feb

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I pass this sign very frequently. It sits on Moreland near a coffee shop I’ve recently started to like to go to. It makes me think about how, indeed, not so long ago, this area was a forest. And how now East Atlanta is a concrete, asphalt, brick, paint, and power line forest.

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Our outside appearances may change. Our technology may change. But really, it is the same as it has ever been. I recently read a biography of Jesus — Zealot by Reza Aslan, whose name reminds me of the lion in The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe, — and what Jesus was fighting against then we are still trying to change now. The gross inequity between the haves and have-nots. Over-taxation. Religious beliefs. Societal norms. War. Murder. Poverty. And it’s not like Jesus was the first man. This was happening thousands of years before him, as it has continued on for two thousand more. Even as a student of history, it’s hard to think that that many years have passed and yet we are the same breed of person, with the same collective thoughts.

I don’t know why this sign is there. It looks like it’s on private property. Does the person want this land to go back to being a forest? It makes me nostalgic for a all those years I never got to experience. We wanted to progress, and here we are, so far and yet not very far from where we started. And most likely it will, someday, be forest again. When society as we know it is long gone and this sign remains longer than all the other rubble. And when someone in the far distant future finds it, what will they think?